Psychotic Pleasure’s Pain
If ever there was a time for me to repent it would be now. I’ve been thinking sick thoughts in my mind and relaying it over and over again. People would say when they read this, " People think about sex in some part of their life maybe even every day." But I wasn’t talking about freekin’ sex. I was talking about torturing someone or killing someone in a torturous way. This psycho mind of mine had been replaying tragic death scenes over and over again and I was hoping it would stop but it didn’t. Now it’s mixed with my YYC side effect as well, which is also draining my mental enegry as much as the torturing replays.
All this thinking and dreaming about torture has led me to think I NEED to torture someone, which isn’t true. I need to release this negative energy somehow but I don’t know HOW. I know I could draw it out and express myself on paper but I did that and it didn’t work as well as I thought it should because it wasn’t SADISTIC enough for my taste. Maybe I should just look up ‘gore’ in the Internet and copy some pictures to satisfy my mind.
I’m an emotional wreck right now. Through chatting and replying comments I’m all cheerful but once I’m off the Internet or not doing anything productive my mind falls into the depressing cloud of gore. If I could I’d love to meet up with a psychiatrist and maybe tell him/her what I was seeing in full detail. I could type it down here actually but that wouldn’t be right. A person might happen to read the entry and find it disgusting or too graphic and then might not be able to go to sleep. Or even worse…. A person who’d want to get tortured to death would send me a message and ask me to kill him/her in a slow torturous death. And I’d be glad to do it but I know I’d kill myself before I’d touch him/her.
Wow… I need to grab some chill pills. I’m teaching someone to use the computer today. That means I have to try and let out this frustrating ball of negative feelings soon or let the person face the cosequences, which I do not want to do since she’s a nice person… Or so I think. She doesn’t look like a person I’d hang out with because I know we wouldn’t have much in common or I’d lose interest in her conversations and she’d lose interest in mine. She’d be talking about travel or something like that (or business after spending enough time with my second eldest sister) and I’d be talking about anime and farming. I’m interested in farming so shut up.
But as the day becomes brighter my thoughts go back to the torturing again. I don’t understand. The need to inflict pain to a breathing living organism is growing and a house gecko isn’t enough. To satisfy this psychotic need would (calculating………) take over fifteen hundred of them and that’s excluding their will to live. If they were tortued and lived longer than expected the pleasue heightens but if it dies before i do anything drastic then that makes me moodier and the calculating will continue to add. Ah, freek it. I need to do something and if one house gecko would satisfy me a little then I might as well start hacking off their limbs and save the eye poking and tongue cutting for last.
