My Entry
I have to learn to control my emotions. I’m so open with it that people who know me understands that I’m a dramatic mood swinging kuyuk. Well, yea, I’m bitchy and all that but under that thick layer of bitchiness is just another insecure person. Freekin’! At least I admit it.
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Right now I’m just a tornado of emotions. Something weird this way come. I don’t understand myself anymore. I think I’m becoming more and more psychotic everyday. I’m tired. Not physically. Not mentally. I’m just tired. Not even spiritually. Freekin’… I think this will be the death of me. A feeling that cannot be described without a rumbling moan of pain.
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You know what? I just feel like stretching my body. Not a yawning stretch but a real LONG stretch and just continue stretching until I don’t feel like stretching anymore. Man… I feel like crying.
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I feel like killing myself but I’m scared shitless to die. Maybe all I want is attention. FUCK! We all want attention from those specific people. And when we DO get their attention we pretend not to want it. What the hell is wrong with us? No… I shouldn’t drag people into this. What the hell is wrong with me? I just feel like wallowing in my own despair and see who’s the first one to notice it. Hah… What a pointless thing to do.
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I should just continue drawing. Just continue drawing and try to let go off all these feelings. Tomorrow I’m gonna go on the roof top whether it’s gonna rain or not and then just scream on top of my lungs. Either that or just lie down and watch the sky like I used to. I just want a place to run away to. Run away from reality. Yes. Reality.
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I think that’s why I’m so crazy. All I want to do is just run away from reality. But running away is no solution. It’s just a weird way of piling things up in the IN box while the OUT box is collecting dust. Face your fears. Face your past. Face your present. Face your future. Face everything that you want to run away from and start doing what you should. That’s it. That’;s what I should do.
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I don’t need to wait for New Year’s Eve to start something new. I don’t need to wait for anything. I don’t even have the time to wait for myself. There’s no such thing as: "I HAVE TIME". Just like the guy in that commercial said, "I HAVE TIME" but in truth he’s saying: "I MAKE TIME". That’s right.
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I WILL MAKE TIME. Time is nothing but a word we give to define changes. And without changes there is no time. I will make changes. I will make changes to myself! I will make ME time. I am Time. And there’re so many Time around me that I have yet to realize. I will notice them. No, I notice them.
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I may not make sense to others but don’t worry. You should understand it the way you make sense of it. People’s point of views doesn’t make mine wrong. Even if there was some solid proof that I am not Time itself I still believe I am Time. I age, I change. I think and questions when I was child turns to answers as I grow. Time. That is Time. And so we are all Time. We just don’t know it yet…
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Yes. I am Time and that is the Reality I try to run away from. Without making any Changes in my life I Died. Without realizing it I have stopped myself from Moving On. I shall Move On now. I am.
