::Bashi Qu::

My niece has yet to have a name and I don’t think they’ll get at any time soon either. I thought my sitser already had a name for her because we were talking about babies names before I left for Australia. But I’m wondering now if I had forgotten and maybe that it was a boy’s name that she has and not a girl’s. Oh well…

Anyway, I wanna rant.

This University may be one of the best or one of the universities that have been ranked as prestigious in Australia but I’ll tell you what… It sucks.

The system is so disorganized in a way even though everything has been laid out. More than half of the people in the lecture and also in my group don’t know what the hell is happening. Some of us don’t even know where the hell we are and that is speaking on work terms.

I can deal with all the drawings that are piling up on my bedroom floor but what I can’t cope with are these weird essays that come popping up in the lecturers’ speech bubbles.

I stayed up all hours last night trying to find out what essay topic to write and spent the rest of my sleeping hours just deleting and rewriting the essays. And this morning when I thought I was supposed to hand it in she said "No, next week."

What annoyed me more was the fact that I was suppposed to follow these book extracts that they’ve pulled out for us. I don’t mind reading but when they are that boring even I wouldn’t blame the computer if it crashed. Words upon words upon words. How can they force these things?

And you now what the stupid thing about this is? If I don’t reference my essay on the particular reading she said that she won’t give me a mark and I’m like, "What the fuck did you fucking say?" I didn’t voice it out. I just mumbled an "Oh." and "Mm-hm" and a few curt nods.

I mean like, I reference it to other books and some encyclopedias, isn’t that enough? It’s freakin’ Britannica man! I mean like, either way the story is the same just with little odd details here and there and less boring than what’s been put up on screen. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t dislike Modernism but I wouldn’t want to do it for essays or a subject. If I could I would actually do it just as a fun research thing. But NO… They had to ruin my life nad make this one of my main subjects.

How I’d rather just draw and sculpt and play with clay and waste my time carving wood.

I think I’m going to disappoint myself and my parents. I mean like, with the rate that I’m going I don’t thik I’ll be able to get any great marks.

I knew I shouldn’t have accepted the offer letter. I knew I should’ve just kept quiet and not tell my parents I got it. I knew I shouldn’t have taken my bum that office chair of mine. Gods daymn.

And what’s so stupid is I have three essays to do. One of them is for that Modernism thing and the other two I didn’t even realized I had to do. One for 2D Media and Processes while the other one is to do with Intro To Multimedia Technology. It’s like what the hell?

The reason why I come to lectures is that I want to know what to do next but FUCK. If they’re gonna speak like that how do they expect International Students to understand them? I mean like, those students who could understand, good for them. But how about those who don’t understand?

The thing is I shouldn’t even be going to these crazy lectures because I can’t understand, I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about and also I don’t have the ability to stay interested that long enough to not scribble or doodle in my book.

I know why it’s so hard for me to cope though. It’s because in highschool we’re given set questions for essays. We’re told what to read and what to answer and we’re told what to do but here… They give you this freedom that I have never in my life wanted.

Never in my life have I ever wished to be free. Now why is that? It’s because I have the nosering of a freekin’ ox. If someone pulls me in one way I’ll go there. If someone pulls me the other way I’ll follow that person. Unlike some people, I don’t like being free. I mean like sure, I do go off and do my own thing, go with the flow, slide down the waterfalls etc. But at least when I do my own thing I know what my own thing wants to do, I know where the flow is going and I know that sliding down a waterfall will send me to the bottom of its cascading tears.

I’m going to tell my mother and my father and stand my ground too. They’re going to hate me for this if I ever say it but since it’s just my first year I’m going to tell them that I don’t want to come back to this uni for second year at all. In fact, I just don’t want to go to Uni at all. I’ll tell them that I’ve wasted a year’s worth of their money just because I couldn’t cope and that I got easily stressed.

The truth is I’m too easily distracted and when I don’t like something I won’t get into it too much because I know I’ll just hate myself and puke, literally puke. That is what I’ve been doing for the last two days and I realized that I wasn’t sck because of the food but because of this work I’ve been given.

So how do I know that I puke whenever I’m doing something that I hate?

I went to Kindergarten and puked when I didn’t want to go to that pink room. I puked when I was doing my Mathematics in Abu Dhabi and also puked during that Social Studies lesson with that one particular teacher. I couldn’t do my homework in Leighton Park on Maths and also on my… what was that other one… Chemistry? There was that one topic i hated. I liked Chemistry but that one topic made me sick and I puked. And then in JIS I puked for Psychology because that tecaher asked for 1000 words essay the next morning every frekin’ time we have our class. It’s like as if she had nothing better to do and that when she was younger she was tortured her whole life so nnow she’s just burdening everything on her students, which just freekin’ sucks.

But yeah. I puke.

So I’m just gonna tell my parents I’m going to quit school. And tell them I want to search for work in Brunei. And if they disagree to it I’ll tell them that I’ll be wasting their money even more if I stay in Australia because I’ll be too depressed.

I stand my ground on hating this country. Australia. Yes, I’m sorry to all the Australians out there who are patriotic and love their country and also to those people who are so in love with this golden country. Yes. I apologize but this is my thoughts. I don’t like it. This country’s beauty is in its nature and its beautiful culture with those tribes. Other than that, the beauty disappears. Not only do I not like tis country because of the Uni but I hate it because I think it’smade me even lazier than before. I hate being lazy. I hate it. Now I hate even more and I promise I don’t want to be lazy.

Fuck. Why the hell am I crying?

This is what I don’t understand. In Australia, I cry more. It’s like this depression is burdening me but it’s not because of the country… It’s because of this burden. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know the root of it. Maybe it’s because I just hate the uni structure. I thought it would be nice around here. I really did believe I could be on my own and start being independent but no.

I wish I had my sister here. I want her to call out my name and aske me to go with her to grab some grub form the food stalls.

I wish I had my little brother who thinks that I hate him. But I don’t hate him. I love him to bits. It’s just so hard for me to show my affection because of his behavior towards people and I tell him that.

I wish my little sister was with me. I wish she’d bug me again with her cute voice. I wish she’d come up to me and just annoy me or slip into my room without noticing and do whatever it is she does.

I wish my big sister would annoy me with her business-like questions and I also want her to rub me the wrong nerve.

I want my eldest sister to ask for my help like last time. And I want to draw for her. An dI want to see her daughter. I want to meet my niece.

I want to spend time with my big brother and play his PS2 and piss him off by knocking his door in the mornings for prayer.

I wish I could meet with my grandfather and apologize to him for leaving the house without saying goodbye before I left for Australia.

I wanna meet my father and kiss his hands and cheeks and cry on his chest if he’s allow me. And I want to kiss my mom’s cheeks and hug her and cry on her.

I wanna meet my spiritual friends. I wanna visit my grandma’s graveyard and clean her tombstone and read her surrahs every Fridays and Sundays.

I wanna meet with my friends in Brunei. And if they left for UK I wanna be there to see them off. I wann give them a hug, a gentle punch on their shoulder that’ll knock ‘em off their feet and a warm teary-eyed smile that I promised were just from yesterday’s onion slicing contest.

I’m fed up with travelling and I don’t know why I wanted to study abroad. I’ve never even wanted to study abroad. I just thought I did because I’ve been dragged by father’s work. I don’t doubt that I was lucky but I know now when enough is enough. I think I chose Australia and applied for only ONE fucking university because I know my chances were slim BUT FUCKITCFUCKITCFUCKITCFUCKITCFUCKITCFUCKI T! Like what are the fucking odds?! I just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just hate it.

I love Australia’s evenings because everything is calm and I don’t get to see it that much. When it’s night, I can feel home. In the morning I see the difference. The harsh contrast of it all. Grass may look like grass, trees may look like trees but just ask any true scientist and they’ll tell you they’re different.

I know it sounds like I’m giving up but I’m not. Giving up means that you haven’t tried. Giving up means you didn’t push yourself enough.

Well I’ve pushed myself too fucking hard. I puke. I hurt. I get sick and I could easily fucking jump off from one of the university building blocks. Heck, they make ‘em high enough it looks fucking tempting.

The only good thing about this place is the friends that I have made. Tenant, Goddess, Magazine Girl, Chicken Gobbler, Red Sarah, Emo Jess, Wei Wei (once agian, he’s not Chinese), Will and a few others. Also the yaoi and the vast manga on shelves. And the cosplaying events. But other than that I don’t see its beauty.

The thing is, some of my friends here… Even if I do call them friends… Aren’t really my friends. I’m just here being used and I know. You ALL know when you’re being used so don’t say, "No, you shouldn’t think like that." It’s true. They just stick with me only because I fucking tag along. I knew it from the moment their eyes glaze over whenever I talk that they don’t listen to most the things I say.

It hurts. It really hurts. I’ve never in my life have been hurt this much before just because of one country. I wish I was a kid again who didn’t need to think about the world too much and who doesn’t know what the word cunt meant or didn’t even know what the word fuck is. I wish my father would slap me for saying shut up to my little brother. I wish my mother would look at me and speak to me in an angry tone of voice when I do something wrong.

All that. I wish all that. But heck man… who am I kidding right? It’s just some useless crap that I’m talking about. Don’t worry. I’m not going to kill myself or anything. Nu-uh. I may be a bad religious person but I’d like to go to Heaven someday to say my greetings to my grandmother and my grandfather from my mother’s side. I also wanna say my greetings to my miscarraged big brother. He should be up there somehwere. He passed away innocent.

Before I die I want to atleast do a minimum of 50 gift arts for each person in my dA watch that I consider my friends. I want to drink tea with my friends like old ladies do and then play some weird old persons’ games like throwing spit balls at cycling passer-bys.

Look at me. I’m calming down.

The sky is beautiful today. More beautiful than yesterday. It’s a blue you can’t describe. The clouds are scattered around in the form of stilled foamy waves. It’s white, blue, yellow and gray. There’s a shin in the sky that only the sun could paint and I could see the wind blowing mildly strong. But I cna’t feel it of course. I’m sitting in front of a cubicled desk in the library, barricaded by a glass shield.

This is me today. This is me.

I’m tired guys. This will be my last update for today. I won’t comment on devs or journals until later tonight or early next morning and I won’t reply to any comments or notes until then either.

I guess I’m just too tired.

I’ve stopped crying by the way. So no need for sympathies. If you’ve read the whole thing and come this far, thank you. It means a lot. It means a lot because you guys took your precious time to read things that was happening to me and took your time to read such a long entry.

It makes me proud and makes me want to puff my chest and tell the whole world that I’ve got people who would spend a few minutes, and if it took you 30 minutes then half and hour or more, to read a part of my life.

Thank you.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 16th, 2007 at 10:55 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.